The Top 95 Most Hilarious Quotes About Money

There’s nothing more inspirational that a good quote. And there’s nothing more funny than a good quote, too. I’ve scoured the internet looking for some of the funniest and inspirational money quotes that money can buy. Okay, not really. I’m always looking for good quotes about money and frankly got tired always searching for them. I figured it would be much easier to put them all in one place. 🙂 So here you have it….95 funny and inspirational quotes about money. If I missed your favorite, be sure to share in the comments below.

Funny Money Quotes

1. “Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it.” – William Somerset Maugham 2. “Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort.” – Helen Gurley Brown 3. “Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.” – Woody Allen 4. “Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason

5. “It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy

6. “Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson 7. “The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard 8. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope 9. “Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams 11. “The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor 12. “Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.” – Jerry Seinfeld 13. “Money is the best deodorant.” – Elizabeth Taylor
  14. “He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous 15. “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” – Oscar Wilde 16. “Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben 17. “Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson 18. “Money will buy you a fine dog, but only love can make it wag its tail” – Richard Friedman 19. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson 20There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one. ~Jack Yelton 21. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due. ~Author Unknown 22. No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back. ~Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr. 23. Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. ~Sam Ewing 24. Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence. ~Max Amsterdam 25. Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back. ~Author Unknown 26. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. ~Author Unknown 27. I don’t like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves. ~Joe Louis

28. “Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.” – Will Smith

29. Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions. ~A.A. Latimer 30. Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells. ~J. Paul Getty 31. Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind. ~Kay Ingram 32. Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer. ~Author Unknown 33. Money often costs too much. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson 34. The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste. ~M.W. Harrison 35. I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention. ~Ron Kittle, 1987 36. It frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. ~Groucho Marx 37. We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules. ~Buzzie Bavasi 38. The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters. ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
  39. I am having an out of money experience. ~Author Unknown 40. If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. ~Aristotle Onassis 41. Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale. ~Zig Ziglar 42. People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage. ~Doug Larson 43. If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one. ~George Gobel 44. A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain 45. If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion. ~George Bernard Shaw 46. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. ~From a Washington Post word contest

47. “What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street

48. “You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing 49. “The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places 50. “In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface 51. “Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street 52. “The rich. You know why they’re so odd? Because they can afford to be.” –Alexander Knox (Robert Wuhl)Batman 53. “A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street 54. “Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn’t have it and thought of other things if you did.”- James Arthur Baldwin 55. “Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers 56. “I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
  57. “The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov. 58. “My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty. 59. “I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.”Francois Rebelais 60. “I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams. 61. “They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison. 62. “October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain 63. “All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan. 64. “You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”Josh Billings 65. “Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas. 66. “Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.”Taylor Meade 67. “What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”Henry Youngman
  68. “We didn’t actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure.”Keith Davis. 69. “If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” JP Getty. 71. “To make a million, start with $900,000.” Morton Shulman. 72. “If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” Errol Flynn 73. “A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”Franklin Jones. 74. “There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes 75. “I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason 76. “When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette 77. “Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman 78. “If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.” -Lane Kirkland

79. “Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams

81. “It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal 82. “There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran 83. “I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes 84. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit” — George Carlin 85. “I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed” — George Carlin
  86. “Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright 87. “I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle 88. “It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle 89. “If you’re given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal.” — Katherine Hepburn 90. “A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown 91. “What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain 92. “Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn 93. “I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal 94. “It’s easy to meet expenses – everywhere we go, there they are.” — Anonymous 95. “Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige What’s your favorite quote about money?